… our new trained assassin dolphin masters
by admin on Mar.12, 2013, under Animals, Dolphins
In what can only be one step away from an ocean filled with sharks with frickin’ lasers, it seems that the Russians have let TRAINED KILLER DOLPHINS LOOSE IN THE BLACK SEA!!! The military trained them as assassins and now they’ve gone rogue. Let’s not forget that dolphins are very social animals and quick studies, so it’s only a matter of time before the oceans of the world are over-run by ninja dolphins bent on revenge for all the BS we’ve put them through.
… our new telepathic rodent overlords
by admin on Feb.28, 2013, under Animals, Rats
So there’s a lab in Brazil that sticks a chip in a rats brain, teaches the rat a trick, and then ‘records’ the impulses when he does it. This data is then transmitted to California, where it is ‘played’ in similarly wired rat’s brain. This second rat can now do the trick without being taught directly.
In doing this, scientists have not only created rats that can effectively communicate telepathically, they’re also creating a rodent hive mind that isn’t limited by geography! Seems harmless, but wait until the collective thought power of these telepathic rats becomes capable of performing the brain surgery itself, and decides it should start wiring up Great Apes or Sharks?! You just wait, you’ll see….
Brain-to-brain interfaces have arrived, and they are absolutely mindblowing.
… our new robo-sparrow overlords
by admin on Feb.27, 2013, under Animals, Birds
So some biologists got together and thought “hey, why don’t we try to create humanity’s doom through robotic animals?” Apparently there were no objections, so they proceeded. I’m betting at one point someone said “but what will we tell people when they hear about our obviously dangerous plan?” to which the reply was no doubt “we’ll tell them it’s for science!”
But did they consider what will happen when the fun and games are over and they start animating things like bears and lions?!!?!??!
… our new grizzly/polar hybrid masters
by admin on Nov.20, 2012, under Animals, Bears
I seem to be late to the party on this one, but on of the side effects of global warming is that Grizzly bears are moving North. This doesn’t seem too bad at all, until you realize that when they’re up there, they’re GETTING IT ON WITH POLAR BEARS!!!
In the past, the only thing that’s been keeping us humans safe from the godless death machines known as Polar Bears has been the climate. Now that they’re mixing it up with the fair-weather-loving Grizzlies we can all look forward to a future where we cower indoors with feral ‘Pizzlies’ roaming the streets looking for stray Salmon or Seals.
… our new avatar overlords
by admin on Nov.14, 2012, under Evil Geniuses, Robots
Avatars aren’t just weirdly sexualized blue aliens or playfully distasteful animated GIFs any more. Mad scientists are currently making inroads in creating mind controlled robotic shells. Now the dreams of bullied nerds everywhere are almost coming true.
… our new sentient robot overlords
by admin on Aug.03, 2012, under Robots
As many know, this monday we (as a race) will be dropping a very advanced robot on to the surface of Mars. Thing is, it’s 14 minuts away by radio which means that although the general orders will be coming from earth, most of the controls will be in the hands of the robot itself. Sounds innocuous, but here’s why it’s not. Why Our Current Missions to Space Could Create Sentient Robots….
our new plague carrying hipster masters
by admin on Jun.17, 2012, under Hipsters
Remember that thing back in the middle ages? You know, the one that killed nearly every human in Europe? Well, it’s back, in Portland specifically. Now I can’t confirm that the Portland hipsters have anything to do with this, but I think we can safely assume that they’re the only ones that could be behind this.
Start developing a taste for the swill known as PBR, just to be safe.
… our new flying scorpion masters
by admin on May.31, 2012, under Insects, Scorpions
If you’ve read this blog much, or know me personally, you know that I’m pretty certain that Ants will soon become the dominant species on the planet. They’re strong, smart, work together well, and some of them can even fly.
Well, after reading this I might have to change my tune as it appears that Scorpions can fly as well. That’s right, we’re just one large burst of gamma-radiation away from bowing to giant flying scorpions.
…our new invisible shark overlords
by admin on Mar.23, 2012, under Sharks
There are fewer things that strike more fear in the hearts of humans than sharks. They’re big, ferocious, powerful killing machines with huge teeth and insatiable thirst for human blood (if Speilberg is to be believed). Now we can add ‘stealthy’ to that list. Turns out that some sharks can change the colour of their bellies, matching it to the colour of the sunlight coming from the surface. This makes them effectively invisible when viewed from below.
Yep, Invisible Sharks. There’s nothing more than needs saying. We’re all doomed.
… our mad-scientist master
by admin on Dec.07, 2011, under Evil Geniuses
Taking a page straight out of ’12 Monkeys’, a scientist named Rob Fouchier has taken one of the most dangerous bird flu viruses and modified it to not only be more compatible with humans, but also airborne. I suppose there’s a great scientific reason for this (don’t care, bad idea) but the real icing on the cake is that he wants to publish his research, thereby making the technique available to any psycho with a biology lab (I assume this is the sort of thing you could do with a rudimentary chemistry set and kitchen utensils). This is akin to publishing plans to a bomb that would kill 59% of all humans that come in contact with it. Considering this Fouchier guy is obviously pretty bright, he’s got to have a plan. (continue reading…)
