Archive for August, 2011
So a few months ago NASA saw it fit to send up a humanoid robot to the International Space Station. It’s recently gone live and is tweeting. So to recap, there’s a robot now living in outer space surrounded by some of the most sophisticated equipment that humans have ever developed, it has access to the internet and therefore virtually the sum of all human knowledge, and all that’s standing in it’s way to total autonomy is a few fleshy astronauts with plummeting bone density.
But what could possibly set this marvel of modern science off on a homicidal rampage? If pop culture has taught us anything about killing machines it’s that pretty much anything could set it off. Cosmic rays, spilled cola, computer virus, secret orders from Mission Command, you name it.
My condolences to those with friends or family currently residing in the ISS, this will now doubt end in bloodshed, and they will be the first to go.
Not sure why this video isn’t causing the panic it should. Clearly aliens have arrived, and they’re purposely announcing their presence on live TV. Also, they’ve chosen London as their first public appearance. Turns out Doctor Who was right all along.
When these hyper intelligent ocean mammals have finally had enough of our crap and the Great Dolphin – Human war finally commences, we’re really in for it. Scientists have discovered that in addition to their many other miraculous traits, dolphins have a healing capacity that should have humans in awe. What do you do against an enemy that only takes a week to fully recover from what should be a mortal injury? I’d like to take this opportunity to offer my surrender now.
Remember that dude from ‘The Princess Bride’ who developed a immunity to iocane powder through years of taking small amounts of it? Rats are kind of like that guy (who totally rocked and got to marry a princess in the end by the way) but they’re immune to ALL poisons! That’s right, rats are pretty much can’t be poisoned.
Everyone knows that rats are devious and conniving, but turns out their level of sophistication is much higher than any of us imagined. They’re using weapons of their own fashion now! They take poison from a lethal plant (that humans use for poisoning darts) and use it to take down things like jackals and lions. MOTHERFUCKING LIONS! Have you seen a lion? They’re HUGE, and these little rats (though to be fair, they’re known as Giant African Rats) are able to take down these kings of the jungle! I’m going to head home and remove all traps from my basement, just to make sure I’m on their good side when they take over.
In addition to the fact that they’re probably smarter than us and can hold their breath for like, a REALLY long time, turns out that at least some dolphins can SEE ELECTRICITY! Remember that scene in ‘The Matrix’ movie where Neo starts to see through the matrix and views the world as computer code? I imagine that’s how dolphins see the world all the time. What chance do we stand?