I For One Welcome…

… our new avatar overlords

by on Nov.14, 2012, under Evil Geniuses, Robots

Avatars aren’t just weirdly sexualized blue aliens or playfully distasteful animated GIFs any more.  Mad scientists are currently making inroads in creating mind controlled robotic shells.  Now the dreams of bullied nerds everywhere are almost coming true.

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… our new sentient robot overlords

by on Aug.03, 2012, under Robots

As many know, this monday we (as a race) will be dropping a very advanced robot on to the surface of Mars.  Thing is, it’s 14 minuts away by radio which means that although the general orders will be coming from earth, most of the controls will be in the hands of the robot itself.  Sounds innocuous, but here’s why it’s not.  Why Our Current Missions to Space Could Create Sentient Robots….

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our new plague carrying hipster masters

by on Jun.17, 2012, under Hipsters

Remember that thing back in the middle ages?  You know, the one that killed nearly every human in Europe?  Well, it’s back, in Portland specifically.  Now I can’t confirm that the Portland hipsters have anything to do with this, but I think we can safely assume that they’re the only ones that could be behind this.

Start developing a taste for the swill known as PBR, just to be safe.

 

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… our new flying scorpion masters

by on May.31, 2012, under Insects, Scorpions

If you’ve read this blog much, or know me personally, you know that I’m pretty certain that Ants will soon become the dominant species on the planet.  They’re strong, smart, work together well, and some of them can even fly.

Well, after reading this I might have to change my tune as it appears that Scorpions can fly as well.  That’s right, we’re just one large burst of gamma-radiation away from bowing to giant flying scorpions.

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…our new invisible shark overlords

by on Mar.23, 2012, under Sharks

There are fewer things that strike more fear in the hearts of humans than sharks.  They’re big, ferocious, powerful killing machines with huge teeth and insatiable thirst for human blood (if Speilberg is to be believed).  Now we can add ‘stealthy’ to that list.  Turns out that some sharks can change the colour of their bellies, matching it to the colour of the sunlight coming from the surface.  This makes them effectively invisible when viewed from below.

Yep, Invisible Sharks.  There’s nothing more than needs saying.  We’re all doomed.

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… our mad-scientist master

by on Dec.07, 2011, under Evil Geniuses

Taking a page straight out of ’12 Monkeys’, a scientist named Rob Fouchier has taken one of the most dangerous bird flu viruses and modified it to not only be more compatible with humans, but also airborne. I suppose there’s a great scientific reason for this (don’t care, bad idea) but the real icing on the cake is that he wants to publish his research, thereby making the technique available to any psycho with a biology lab (I assume this is the sort of thing you could do with a rudimentary chemistry set and kitchen utensils). This is akin to publishing plans to a bomb that would kill 59% of all humans that come in contact with it. Considering this Fouchier guy is obviously pretty bright, he’s got to have a plan. (continue reading…)

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…our new un-named overlords (who are talking to the Chinese)

by on Nov.16, 2011, under Aliens, Birds, Old Ones

I don’t really know how to categorize this one. Seems the Chinese government is up to something. Something big. Google has revealed all sorts of weird stuff in China that no human would think is a good idea. We’re talking MASSIVE designs etched into mountainsides or the desert with no discernable use.

Naturally, I mean no discernable human use. Looking at this logically, they’re either (continue reading…)

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… our new cyborg monkey masters

by on Oct.06, 2011, under Monkeys

Some of the things that are posted here stem from unintended consequences, things that could go wrong. And then there’s things that COULDN’T seem like a good idea no matter what the original purpose is. Case in point, scientists are developing a seamless organic/machine interface, you know, like in the 6 Million Dollar Man. However, instead of upgrading a sexy test-pilot like Steve Austin they’ve seen fit to give this powerful technology to monkeys.

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… our new autonomous killing machine masters

by on Sep.21, 2011, under Robots

The Washington Post has a brief but terrifying look into the future of war.  It outlines the successful tests that the US army has been conducting to develop machines that are designed to hunt and kill without human control.  Yep, designing machines to think and decide for themselves if someone is worth killing.  That’s not even the worst part, there’s more.  Not only are these machines supposed to be unsupported by humans, they’ve got friends in the forms of other autonomous military planes and ground vehicles.  So that means that even if most of the drones are cool, it will just take one douche to say

“Beep-boop blip hey guys, why don’t we just kill ALL the humans Boop-beep?”

They might as well give them the ability to transform into giant robots or something.

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… our outer space robot masters

by on Aug.23, 2011, under Robots

So a few months ago NASA saw it fit to send up a humanoid robot to the International Space Station.  It’s recently gone live and is tweeting.  So to recap, there’s a robot now living in outer space surrounded by some of the most sophisticated equipment that humans have ever developed, it has access to the internet and therefore virtually the sum of all human knowledge, and all that’s standing in it’s way to total autonomy is a few fleshy astronauts with plummeting bone density.

But what could possibly set this marvel of modern science off on a homicidal rampage?  If pop culture has taught us anything about killing machines it’s that pretty much anything could set it off.  Cosmic rays, spilled cola, computer virus, secret orders from Mission Command, you name it.

My condolences to those with friends or family currently residing in the ISS, this will now doubt end in bloodshed, and they will be the first to go.

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