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… our new alien video-bombing masters

by on Aug.17, 2011, under Aliens

Not sure why this video isn’t causing the panic it should.  Clearly aliens have arrived, and they’re purposely announcing their presence on live TV.  Also, they’ve chosen London as their first public appearance.  Turns out Doctor Who was right all along.

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… our new super-healing dolphin masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Dolphins

When these hyper intelligent ocean mammals have finally had enough of our crap and the Great Dolphin – Human war finally commences, we’re really in for it.  Scientists have discovered that in addition to their many other miraculous traits, dolphins have a healing capacity that should have humans in awe.  What do you do against an enemy that only takes a week to fully recover from what should be a mortal injury?  I’d like to take this opportunity to offer my surrender now.


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…our new unpoisonable rat masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Rats

Remember that dude from ‘The Princess Bride’ who developed a immunity to iocane powder through years of taking small amounts of it?  Rats are kind of like that guy (who totally rocked and got to marry a princess in the end by the way) but they’re immune to ALL poisons!  That’s right, rats are pretty much can’t be poisoned.


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… our new poison-packing rat masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Rats

Everyone knows that rats are devious and conniving, but turns out their level of sophistication is much higher than any of us imagined.  They’re using weapons of their own fashion now!  They take poison from a lethal plant (that humans use for poisoning darts) and use it to take down things like jackals and lions.  MOTHERFUCKING LIONS!  Have you seen a lion?  They’re HUGE, and these little rats (though to be fair, they’re known  as Giant African Rats) are able to take down these kings of the jungle!  I’m going to head home and remove all traps from my basement, just to make sure I’m on their good side when they take over.


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…our new electric-sensing dolphin masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Dolphins

In addition to the fact that they’re probably smarter than us and can hold their breath for like, a REALLY long time, turns out that at least some dolphins can SEE ELECTRICITY!  Remember that scene in ‘The Matrix’ movie where Neo starts to see through the matrix and views the world as computer code?  I imagine that’s how dolphins see the world all the time.  What chance do we stand?


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… our new ant-controlling fungus overlords!

by on Mar.25, 2011, under Ants, Fungus, Insects

Let’s get one thing straight: Ants are probably the most impressive creature on the planet and probably deserve to be the dominant species on earth.  Through some sort of divine luck or extra terrestrial intervention we humans have somehow taken the mantle from them, but it can’t possibly last forever.  Just consider the facts, they’re strong, incredible engineers, work very well as a team, are selfless, some are venomous,  and can be found in most climates.  The only thing they can’t seem to do is fly.  Oh wait, some of them developed that talent as well!

As if the prospect of the inevitable ant attack isn’t enough to keep us awake at night, scientists have discovered at least 4 types of fungi that take over ant brains and turn them into zombies.  Just making them wander around a bunch until they come across the perfect place to die and leave their corpse for the fungus to grow.  Yep, that’s right, not only do these fungi take over the brains and eventually kill the ant, it keeps it alive just long enough to walk to a comfortable location!


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…our new invertebrate masters

by on Dec.15, 2009, under Octopuses

What separates us from the animals and makes humans the dominant species on the planet?  It’s not our opposable thumbs thumbs, the whites of our eyes, or our wry sense of humour,  it’s our ability to use tools.

Witness, what I consider to be, our number one threat to our status as Earth’s dominant species:

Not only is it using the coconut shell as a place to hide, but it’s carrying it around JUST IN CASE IT NEEDS IT LATER! With this sort of smarts and forethought, can carrying a laser pistol and rising up against us be far behind?

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…our new robo-cheetah masters

by on Oct.21, 2009, under Animals, Robots

Robo-CheetahRobotics experts need some sort of Hippocratic Oath where they promise that they’ll only design responsibly and at least try not to create robots that could easily destroy us.  Sangbae Kim obviously hasn’t taken such an oath as he’s working towards creating a carbon fiber robotic cheetah.  What possible application could something like this have other than hunting down the humans needed for the creation of robot fuel?

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…our new robotic masters

by on Oct.20, 2009, under Robots

If you’re like me and convinced that the current trends of robotic development will eventually lead to us calling them master, here is your proof:

Yep, looks like in addition to titanium alloy skin, brains that can do gajillions of calculations per second, and limbs that are also laser canons, our future robot masters will also be able to preform sleight of hand magic tricks with their incredibly dexterous limbs.

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…our new winged overlords

by on Oct.20, 2009, under Animals, Birds

This video shows a crow not only using a tool, but creating one!  It realizes what isn’t working, and modifies a tool accordingly?

I used to think that crows were cool, but when I lived in a suite with a very large deck I was continually harrassed by a local crow who would dive-bomb me, perch himself at the other end of the deck and caw non-stop, and even tried dropping things on me from a great height (it didn’t have a problem with other people, this was personal).  I hated that crow as much as it hated me, but now that I’ve seen the video, I’d just like to say that Crow in Vancouver, if you’re reading this I want to apologize for whatever I did to upset you and I take back all the hurtful things I said.  My apologies.

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