I For One Welcome…


… our new trained assassin dolphin masters

by on Mar.12, 2013, under Animals, Dolphins

In what can only be one step away from an ocean filled with sharks with frickin’ lasers, it seems that the Russians have let TRAINED KILLER DOLPHINS LOOSE IN THE BLACK SEA!!! The military trained them as assassins and now they’ve gone rogue. Let’s not forget that dolphins are very social animals and quick studies, so it’s only a matter of time before the oceans of the world are over-run by ninja dolphins bent on revenge for all the BS we’ve put them through.

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… our new super-healing dolphin masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Dolphins

When these hyper intelligent ocean mammals have finally had enough of our crap and the Great Dolphin – Human war finally commences, we’re really in for it.  Scientists have discovered that in addition to their many other miraculous traits, dolphins have a healing capacity that should have humans in awe.  What do you do against an enemy that only takes a week to fully recover from what should be a mortal injury?  I’d like to take this opportunity to offer my surrender now.


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…our new electric-sensing dolphin masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Dolphins

In addition to the fact that they’re probably smarter than us and can hold their breath for like, a REALLY long time, turns out that at least some dolphins can SEE ELECTRICITY!  Remember that scene in ‘The Matrix’ movie where Neo starts to see through the matrix and views the world as computer code?  I imagine that’s how dolphins see the world all the time.  What chance do we stand?


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