I For One Welcome…


… our new super-healing dolphin masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Dolphins

When these hyper intelligent ocean mammals have finally had enough of our crap and the Great Dolphin – Human war finally commences, we’re really in for it.  Scientists have discovered that in addition to their many other miraculous traits, dolphins have a healing capacity that should have humans in awe.  What do you do against an enemy that only takes a week to fully recover from what should be a mortal injury?  I’d like to take this opportunity to offer my surrender now.


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…our new unpoisonable rat masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Rats

Remember that dude from ‘The Princess Bride’ who developed a immunity to iocane powder through years of taking small amounts of it?  Rats are kind of like that guy (who totally rocked and got to marry a princess in the end by the way) but they’re immune to ALL poisons!  That’s right, rats are pretty much can’t be poisoned.


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… our new poison-packing rat masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Rats

Everyone knows that rats are devious and conniving, but turns out their level of sophistication is much higher than any of us imagined.  They’re using weapons of their own fashion now!  They take poison from a lethal plant (that humans use for poisoning darts) and use it to take down things like jackals and lions.  MOTHERFUCKING LIONS!  Have you seen a lion?  They’re HUGE, and these little rats (though to be fair, they’re known  as Giant African Rats) are able to take down these kings of the jungle!  I’m going to head home and remove all traps from my basement, just to make sure I’m on their good side when they take over.


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…our new electric-sensing dolphin masters

by on Aug.12, 2011, under Dolphins

In addition to the fact that they’re probably smarter than us and can hold their breath for like, a REALLY long time, turns out that at least some dolphins can SEE ELECTRICITY!  Remember that scene in ‘The Matrix’ movie where Neo starts to see through the matrix and views the world as computer code?  I imagine that’s how dolphins see the world all the time.  What chance do we stand?


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…our new invertebrate masters

by on Dec.15, 2009, under Octopuses

What separates us from the animals and makes humans the dominant species on the planet?  It’s not our opposable thumbs thumbs, the whites of our eyes, or our wry sense of humour,  it’s our ability to use tools.

Witness, what I consider to be, our number one threat to our status as Earth’s dominant species:

Not only is it using the coconut shell as a place to hide, but it’s carrying it around JUST IN CASE IT NEEDS IT LATER! With this sort of smarts and forethought, can carrying a laser pistol and rising up against us be far behind?

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…our new robo-cheetah masters

by on Oct.21, 2009, under Animals, Robots

Robo-CheetahRobotics experts need some sort of Hippocratic Oath where they promise that they’ll only design responsibly and at least try not to create robots that could easily destroy us.  Sangbae Kim obviously hasn’t taken such an oath as he’s working towards creating a carbon fiber robotic cheetah.  What possible application could something like this have other than hunting down the humans needed for the creation of robot fuel?

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…our new winged overlords

by on Oct.20, 2009, under Animals, Birds

This video shows a crow not only using a tool, but creating one!  It realizes what isn’t working, and modifies a tool accordingly?

I used to think that crows were cool, but when I lived in a suite with a very large deck I was continually harrassed by a local crow who would dive-bomb me, perch himself at the other end of the deck and caw non-stop, and even tried dropping things on me from a great height (it didn’t have a problem with other people, this was personal).  I hated that crow as much as it hated me, but now that I’ve seen the video, I’d just like to say that Crow in Vancouver, if you’re reading this I want to apologize for whatever I did to upset you and I take back all the hurtful things I said.  My apologies.

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